


Worthy of living

by DarkSide (Dark_Side)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Caring Castiel, Caring Sam, Castiel Has Issues, Comfort, Dean Has Issues, Dean Has Self-Esteem Issues, Family Issues, Fluff, Gen, Lack of Communication, Miscommunication, Passive Suicidal Dean, Psychological Comfort, Sadness, Sam Has Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Dean, Taking Care Of Dean, Worried Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:16:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10102448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Side/pseuds/DarkSide
Summary: Dean hunts reckless and gets himself badly injured even when it's unnecessary.Sam is tired of Dean's behaviour and tries to help him, but talking is useless.Also known as:Dean thinks his life is expendable, Sam thinks he is the worst person alive but tries to be good and Castiel thinks he does not deserve a home. Somehow, they find a way to feel slightly better.There is no comunication at all, but they make it work.Dean, Cas and Sam's relationship is particular in this story, lines are blurred, so you can read it as you like it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer #01: I don't own Supernatural nor the charachters. I use them just for fun.  
> Disclaimer #02: I'm not a native English speaker and I don't have any betas. All mistakes are mine and I'm sorry.  
> Disclaimer #03: Dean, Cas and Sam's relationship is particular in this story, lines are blurred, so read it as you like it.

There is something untouched. There is an issue none of them wants to talk about. Years go by and it lingers there, but they never address it. Secretly, they hope it vanishes and they will go on pretending it is all ok, even though it is not. Yet, that is what Winchesters do.  
They never talk. Excuses are told only if strictly necessary, if they can just avoid issues, they do so. It does not matter how many times Sam tried to talk about the problems between them, in the end he learnt to shut his mouth and to pretend to be blind and deaf.  
Unfortunately, sometimes it is too much. There is too much pain to handle, too many farewells, too much anger to control, too much to worry about. And Sam cannot. He cannot see the same story plays out the same way for the thousandth time without doing anything. So he stops. He is patching his brother up, needle and thread still in his hands, and he stops.  
\- Still bleeding.- Dean complains. And Sam snaps.  
\- Stop it.-  
\- I’m not moving.- Dean does not understand. He never does. He prefers to avoid all issues with alcohol and sex.  
Sam sighs and goes back sewing.  
\- Stop putting yourself in danger.-  
\- We’re hunters, Sam, of course we put ourselves in danger. It’s our job.-  
\- You know what I mean.-  
\- Actually no, I don’t, ‘cause you’re talking nonsense.-  
Sam stops sewing again. The hunt did not go south but neither went it well. He can still see the monster cutting his brother’s back open, only because Dean thought that protecting Sam was the most important thing.  
\- Sam.- Dean calls. Sam goes back sewing.  
\- Do you trust me?- Those words are heavy and Sam fears the answer, but he has to ask.  
\- We’re brothers and you’re the second best hunter I’ve ever known.- It is not an answer, but he is Dean and he has mastered through all his life the art of avoiding answers and problems.  
Sam finishes his work but his hands linger on Dean. The older brother does not move, silently enjoying Sam’s light warm touch. It feels safe and reminds him of home. Suddenly, there are lips on his skin and Dean shifts away. Sam has already stood up and he is putting the aid kit in his duffel. He does not look at Dean once, nor he says a word, but he hides in the bathroom, leaving the other man alone and confused. The shower starts and there is no place, nor time for anything else.  
Before Sam comes out the bathroom, Dean is already asleep, a bottle of whiskey next to his bed.

Nothing happens. Nothing changes.  
Sam knows he has only to ask to have what he wants. But he is scared of too many things. Dean’s reaction is in the top three of the list. Their relationship too. What if his wish destroys the inconstant balance they have? What if he ruins everything? The truth is also there. Sam is aware of his brother’s lack of faith in him and he cannot blame the older man. He has never been perfect, he has never been enough, he has never been what he had to be. He has made too many mistakes. He cannot ask Dean to forget everything, he knows that for sure. But neither can he watch his brother, his beloved brother, killing himself because of all the problems they have.  
When Dean got hurt badly again, Sam cannot say anything but he is glad they are still alive. He is sewing his brother again and none of them speaks. But then again, after the last stitch has been sewn, Sam’s fingers linger a little bit longer on his brother. Dean waits, saving that little precious moment in his mind. Then everything crashes down when he feels his brother’s lips on his skin. It is a light touch, a loving one and it disappears after a couple of seconds. Dean can feel his brother’s breath on his skin and again Sam’s lips on him. It is a different spot, an inch above the first one and there is even more love. It is not a kiss, it conveys a feeling way deeper than a mere kiss and Dean cannot face it. So he shifts away and Sam’s presence disappears. Sam puts the aid kit back in his duffel and runs in the bathroom. None of them talks and the night is over.

It becomes quickly part of their routine. Every time Dean gets hurt while hunting, Sam patches him up and his hands linger a little longer on his brother’s skin, soon followed by his lips. Each time, Sam gains one more spot to touch. Each time, Dean gains a couple more seconds of home and safety. Then he moves and stops that tenderness and kindness.  
Dean knows, deep down, that they are hunters first and that the future holds only pain and sorrow for them. He knows there is no such things as “home sweet home” or “happy ending”. And that is the reason why he has to stop all the little good things that really do matter. He knows he cannot get attached to something nice that he is likely to lose sooner or later. That is also the reason why Dean drinks while Sam is showering. He needs to dull the nice feelings in his heart. The lightness in his chest, the sweet homesickness, the brotherly love, the affection, the safety that Sam’s delicate touches give him – Dean has to drown them all.  
Nonetheless he still craves for those touches. He still craves for the old memories of a little four-years-old toddler and his little baby brother. He still craves for the feeling of happiness and all the dreams that never came true. And never will.  
Dean craves Sam’s touches, but he drowns all of them away.

When Castiel becomes a fix point in their lives, everything changes again. With an angel watching over them, bruises, scratches, broken bones, (even death sometimes) is magically healed by two fingers and a light, quick touch. There are no tender moments after healing any longer. Dean does not ask for them, (he never ask for anything he wants or needs) and Sam does not offer. Sam knows he has only to ask to have the possibility to take care of Dean again, but he is scared of rejection and consequences. Dean does not ask either. He has no right to ask something so sweet and tender. He has to be strong, the sharpest and best hunter he can be and take care of Sammy. He cannot be so weak. He cannot indulge in those kind touches that mean so much to him. He cannot let himself get attached to one more thing that is going to be used against him and Sam. So he suppresses the need, the craving, deep inside of him and he tries to forget. Dean grabs the bottle of whiskey he keeps under his bed and drinks himself to sleep.

They rarely go hunting without Cas. On those occasions, they rarely got hurt and there is no need of needle and thread. If there are severe injuries, Dean calls immediately Castiel, who flies to them and heals them.  
Therefore it is kind of awkward and unexpected when Dean gets injured and Sam has to drags him to the crappy, unclean motel where they are staying. He lays his brother down on the bed, gives him a bottle of whatever liquor they have and waits for Castiel. They have both already prayed for the angel a couple of times, but there has been no answer yet. Sam gives it another try and waits ten minutes more. Then he takes the aid kit from under his bed and starts to take care of his brother.  
Sam’s hands are shaking and he takes a sip from the bottle. He has to do a neat work if he wants to leave a scar as invisible as possible. He starts cleaning and sewing back together the cuts on his brother’s arm and the gash on the shoulder blade. Once he finishes, his hands linger there. Dean stands still, holding his breath. Then, finally, Sam’s lips touch his skin and Dean realises how much he has missed that. Sam is light, kind and silent. But the feelings are there.  
A whimper escapes the older brother’s lips and Sam stills, his eyes wide open, and puts some distance between Dean and him.  
Sam does not know what to do. He has ruined everything because he has been selfish, he has not been good enough, he has pushed too much, he has made another mistake and Dean is not going to look at him ever again. Dean is going to push him away and punch him or yell at him and Sam will never be able to fix the mess he has made. He has just destroyed everything, and nothing will ever be the same.  
Dean does not move, too bewildered by what has just happened. He has made that weak noise that shows how broken he truly is. Now Sam will run away and leave him behind. Or worse: he will start asking questions, then he will get angry, start a fight and leave him. Dean does not move. He does not want to see the pity on his younger brother’s face. Dean hopes Sam will soon leave without a word.  
Sam waits for his brother’s reaction. That actually seems to be “staying still”. Maybe that is a hint. Maybe Dean is giving Sam some time to understand his error and make things better, even though he usually speaks his mind. Maybe Dean wants this to stop, but shifting away was usually the signal. And Dean has not shifted away yet. Maybe Sam should go on but be more careful, delicate and caring.  
Sam does not know and he does not like not knowing. Nonetheless he has to do something, since his brother has not moved yet. So, Sam carefully touches his brother again, looking for any sign of distress. Dean stands still. Sam leans forward, his breath is light on Dean’s skin. The older brother does not move. Slowly Sam’s lips touch Dean’s shoulder. Both brothers stand still, waiting for each other next move. Everything seems to be fine. Sam opens his eyes and moves on, his lips touch another spot. Dean does not seem to be bothered. Sam takes that as a hint to go on and he tries to be more caring and loving. With every touch, Sam tries so hard to convey his love for him, his devotion, how much he cares about him, the fact that Dean is his whole world and all he has. With every touch, Sam tries to show him that he cannot bear the thought of losing his big brother, that he is lost without Dean, that he cares so much it almost hurts. With every touch, Sam tries to tell him how important Dean is for him, how much Dean is loved and that no world exists without Dean. Sam tries, tries so hard, but all he can do is hoping Dean would understand.  
Dean is grateful. He says a “thank you” in his mind each time he feels Sam’s lips on his skin. They seem a blessing, a balm for his broken soul. Dean knows he is broken: he is a wreckage no worth saving. But Sam is still in the room with him, he is still showering him with love. And it has been so long since the last time Dean has felt right at home, safe and loved. He cannot stop it now, it feels too good.  
Another whimper tries to escape Dean’s lips, but he stops it before it startles Sam. He keeps his mouth shut, bites his own tongue and enjoys those light touches. Sam’s lips travel up to his neck, making Dean shiver, then down on his back. They brush kindly against Dean’s skin, trace every scars and love every unscarred spot. Dean stands still and mute till the end.  
Sam stops when he does not find another spot to cherish and he puts some distance between his brother and him. He does not know what to do and Dean has not moved yet. Sam waits, then stands up and put the aid kit back in his duffel. He does not feel like running away in the shower will help him now, but neither can he stay in the room staring at his brother. He does not even trust his voice to talk. Dean has not moved yet and that is getting scarier. Sam gets close to his brother and tries to sit next to him. Dean’s face stops him before he touches the bedcover. Dean is crying. His face is streaked by thousands of tears that are still spilling from his emerald eyes.  
Sam is shocked: he has hurt his brother and he has not even noticed. And Dean has let him. Sam should have stopped the moment he heard that first whimper. He has misunderstood everything and hurt his brother. He has been selfish once again.  
\- I’m sorry.- The hurt and betrayal on Dean’s face hurt even more. Sam stumbles back, tries to reach the door and run away, far away from the awful thing he has done. But Dean stands up and hugs him tightly. He is still crying silently and he is shivering, but it is clear he does not want his baby brother to go away. Sam got the message and stays. And for the first time in a long time, he feels home and accepted. He hugs his brother back and lets go only when Dean does.  
There is so much gratefulness in Dean eyes and so much love that the older brother does not have word to express how he is feeling. But it does not matter, because Sam gets the message anyway. He smiles and Dean has never felt happier in all his life. None of them speaks and they just go to bed.

It becomes again part of their routine and they manage to have time for them. It does not matter if Cas heals Dean with his magic after one of his reckless actions: as soon as the brothers have time alone, Sam’s lips shower Dean with love and kindness. Dean cries most of the time but he never whimpers. Sam gets used to his brother’s tears and waits until Dean stops shivering. Then there is that grateful look on Dean’s face that finds a caring look on Sam’s. That is all. There are no words, no other gestures.  
They never talk about it. There are never references to the light touches of brotherly affection that Sam’s lips leave on Dean’s skin. All those moments are an untouchable bubble in their lives and both brothers keep them in a secret, safe place of their minds.  
At least, until the day everything changes again.

The hunt has gone wrong and Dean got badly injured, because he has been reckless and put himself in danger even if it has not been necessary. Castiel has noticed that but he has not said anything. He has healed Dean with a light touch and let the brothers go back to the bunker with their car.  
Castiel reaches the bunker some time after the brother’s arrival. He dislikes travelling in cars because they are too small and slow and kind of claustrophobic. Cars feel too tight and Castiel has the annoying feeling of being squeezed. He does not like cars, but he understands Dean’s fondness for his Baby and the meaning of that particular car for both the Winchesters.  
Cas appears in the library and walks to the kitchen. He knows Dean’s routine and he is sure he can find the hunter drinking a beer next to the fridge. The angel does not appear immediately in the kitchen because Dean has told him enough times to warn he is coming. Castiel does not really understand why the hunter always startle at his arrival, nonetheless he tries to do as told. He is quite disappointed when he does not find Dean in the kitchen and he gets soon worried. He searches for the man through all the bunker but he does not find him, nor Sam, anywhere. The Impala is in the garage and that calms him, but he is still worrying.  
He goes to see if Dean is already in bed, though he doubts it. The adrenaline rush should still be keeping the hunter awake. As thought, Dean’s room is empty, but Sam’s is not. Castiel does not mean to peek at the brothers but he cannot help stopping and watching them from the doorway. The door is slightly ajar, lights are on and Dean is sitting shirtless on Sam’s bed, his eyes are closed. Sam is behind him and his lips carefully brush against his brother’s skin. It is a gesture of deep love but it is not a kiss. Castiel may not understand the concept of personal space, yet he feels that whatever is happening in front of him is something personal. He feels, deep down in his gut, that he should not peek at that kind of love and affection. Cas knows it is not meant to be for him. He knows that feeling of home and safety does not include him. He knows he should go away and leave the brothers alone. And it hurts. The view, that love, the feeling of home and safety, what Cas is feeling right now (though he does not know how to name his emotions) – they all hurt the angel like never before. He should go.  
Unfortunately, Sam looks up before the angel can move. His eyes are open and they meet Castiel’s bewildered gaze. The younger hunter does not move, while his hands start caressing his brother’s back, then he smiles and invites Castiel in with a nod. The angel hesitates but he walks in at the second nod. Sam keeps smiling and makes some room for the friend. Cas is unsure of what he is supposed to do but Sam shows him and the angel follows carefully the hunter’s lead. It is not a kiss, it is lips brushing lightly on Dean’s skin. It is more like a caress, but the feelings are so pure and strong that Castiel is amazed. They remind him of home, of all the good things that Heaven had. He watches Sam in awe as the man cherishes his brother with such love and reverence that even some angels may not be capable of. Sam is completely unselfish and selfless, he is focused only in taking care of Dean and nothing else really matters, not himself, not the world, not the room they are in.  
Castiel observes carefully how everything seems to work between the two brothers and he tries to understand what his role is. He does not understand why Sam wants him here: whatever the brother have is complete and Castiel does not understand how he can fit in something so perfect. He knows he does not belong here in this room, he knows the two brothers are not his family, he knows he is completely alone and stray. He left his home and his family for two strangers and he knows he does not deserve a new safe place to call home. Therefore, he does not understand the reason why Sam wants him next to him to cherish and love Dean in a way that is far too private and personal. Cas is out of context and he knows. But Sam looks at him and smiles, grabs his hand and gently holds it. He shows him another light touch and tilts his head to encourage the angel. Reluctantly, Castiel obeys. His touch is lighter than Sam’s and he does his best to be as loving and tender as the other man. Still something goes terribly wrong. Dean paralyses and tenses and Cas looks worryingly at Sam. The younger man smiles softly and his lips touches his brother’s neck.  
\- Nothing dangerous around. It’s Cas.- He whispers in Dean’s ear. The man is still tense and does not move at first. Sam does not push him, still his lips brush kindly the same spot. Dean slowly relaxes and Sam gives Castiel a happy smile. His face is lighted up with joy and love and the angel is quite surprise as he realises he has never seen the younger brother so innocent, content and at peace.  
Cas smiles back and both men start covering Dean’s skin with light touches of their lips, conveying all the love, the devotion, the care they feel for him. And Dean enjoys every single moment, hoping he could make it last forever and that it will never end. It is so good to feel cherished, loved, safe, necessary, at home. Dean knows he is not so important and that Sam and Cas can have nice and beautiful lives without him. They actually would be better off without him. Yet those thoughts seem to disappear and fade now, while the only two people on the world he cares about are making him feel so important in their lives. Every single brush of their lips on his skin makes Dean feel worthy, enough, good and an essential part of their lives and he feels how broken both men would be if they lose him. And all of that is simply too much for Dean. He starts crying, biting his lower lips to prevent any sound from escaping his mouth. He has never felt so wanted and loved and important in all his life and it feels so good it hurts. He doesn’t flinch from any of those tender touches and he tries to soak up all of them to keep them deep inside of him in a so secure place that he will never be able to let them go.  
All that love and reassurances warm him from inside and fill the hollow space that he has just realised has been in his chest for too many years. Dean feels whole again and good.  
Sam and Castiel hold him in their embrace and rub his back in small tender circles. Dean does not know when their lips have stopped brushing his skin but he does not care, the feelings are the same and still there. He does not care that his face is streaked by tears, nor do the others. He just stays there, taking all the nice things Sam and Castiel are giving him. They lay him down on the bed and he closes his eyes, not caring about it is not his bed with a memory foam mattress. He does not want to move and Sam and Cas seem happy with having him exactly where he is. They stroke gently his skin and he feels good and that is all matters. He does not even notice he has fallen asleep. He only knows he is happy, loved, safe and at home.  
He feels he is worthy of living.

Sam covers his brother with a blanket and smiles at the angel, who is still watching Dean sleeping.  
\- Thank you.- Sam whispers and Castiel looks at him smiling.  
\- No. Thank you for letting me help.- He answers. Sam smiles tenderly. He waits a little bit longer next to his brother then he stands up and walks out of the room. He stops next to Castiel and his smile widens as he sees the angel tilting his head with a worried look on his face.  
\- Dean and I don’t have a lot. But you, you are a part of our family too.- Sam smiles while whispering and lets Cas have some time to understand what he is saying. He sees the moment Castiel realises the deepest meaning of his words and he cannot help but smiling more. Cas’s face changes abruptly and there is so much gratefulness, joy and incredulity that Sam cannot help but nod and hug him tight. Cas wraps his arms gently around the other man and stays there, feeling how good it is to be the receiving end of so much love and care. Sam is caressing the back of his head and his back and, for the first time in years, Castiel feels at home. The hug ends but Sam holds gently one of Cas’s hand in his. He nods to leave the room and let Dean rest and the angel quietly follows him. They close the door silently.

It does not stop. Sometimes Dean still hunts recklessly, completely forgetting he is not a mere shield that has to protect Sam and Cas at any cost. He gets hurt stupidly and the angel heals him as brand new. Then they all know what is coming next and everything is awkward till the first brush of lips on Dean’s skin. Dean cries most times but no one is scared of it anymore. Slowly he lets his safeguard down and some whimpers escapes his lips but it is fine: he is loved, safe and nothing bad is going to happen. He can let himself be defenceless without being hurt or rejected. Each time Sam and Cas shower him with love and belonging to them. Each time Dean acts like a mere tool or a mere weapon, forgetting he is so much more, his brother and his angel fill the hollow place in his chest with light and warmth. They cover his skin with uncountable caring caresses until there is no untouched spots on him. They keep rubbing his skin until he falls asleep and they stay there, next to him, watching over his relaxed body and the little smile that lifts the corner of his mouth. Then they leave, letting him sleep in peace but they are never too far away in case Dean needs them.  
It does not matter how many time Dean breaks down, how many times Castiel and Sam have to wrap him to prevent him from ending up in pieces. They are always there, smiles on their faces, love in their hands and lips, home in their caring about him, safety all around him and for once he is the one who is cared about, the one who is helped and comforted.  
Nobody talks about that, they do not have words to describe it. They never work out loud their issues. But those light touches mean home and family and that is all matters.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> I'm happy you've read this far and I hope you enjoyed the fanfiction!


End file.
